Hope Through Heartache

From the moment I got married I never envisioned infertility being a part of our life together. That was in large part due to the fact that I got pregnant with twins on the honeymoon and on birth control. I just assumed I followed in the fertile footsteps of my mother. When it took nearly four years to become pregnant again, I didn't think anything of it. We had our hands full with two very lively little girls and so I never felt a sense of urgency to add another child to the madness. After having Helaman, Kip and I knew right away that we wanted another little child to be close to him in age. We started trying almost immediately to get pregnant and this is when I began to realize that maybe I have a problem.

We tried for four years before going to my OBGYN to discuss my infertility. They started me on chlomid, which only proved to make me a raging lunatic. One round of that was all it took for me to realize I'd never do that again. Over time I began to realize that perhaps it would never happen, that I might never carry another baby in my body. I slowly began to adjust to this new reality and started making plans for my future accordingly. I started to be pretty confident that we would never have more children so I went ahead and made plans to get a tummy tuck to remove the lose skin on my abdomen resulting from massive weight loss. I prayed about this decision, knowing if I went ahead with the surgery I would not want to have any more children. I felt good about my choice to move forward and booked my surgery and payed my non-refundable deposit. I was really excited about this next step and made an appointment with my OBGYN to get on birth control, the first time I would be on it since my honeymoon. I filled my prescription and anxiously waited for my period to start so I could begin taking the pills.

The month before my surgery, I made a trip down to Utah to help my sister with her move. The entire time I was gone I felt exhausted and lightheaded, and still my period didn't come. When I got back to Idaho, I was so lightheaded and weak and did not feel like myself. The next morning I took a pregnancy test simply because I had yet to start. Much to my shock, it was positive. I never get early positives so I was skeptical. I called my doctor and my an appointment for a blood test to verify before I would believe it. Sure enough, the blood test came back positive. I somehow managed to keep it a secret for a few days so I could tell Kip on our anniversary. He was elated. I was filled with mixed emotions as I had to cancel my tummy tuck, something I was really anticipating. I wondered over and over again why it happened, but figured that it was God's way of saying there was another child that needed to come into our home and He knew it was either now or never. We told our kids and mother's early because I do not do pregnancy well. I get really moody and sick and it was hard to keep it from them. Everyone was beyond excited.

I scheduled an ultrasound to see when my due date would be since I had no idea. Kip came with me. The ultrasound tech was nervous saying the baby was smaller than it should be and that she couldn't detect a heartbeat. The doctor warned us it was possible that it would not be a viable pregnancy, but also that there was a possibility that it was just too soon to tell. Kip and I left the office feeling hopefully optimistic and not concerned at all. We just knew that this baby was coming for a reason. The doctor told us to come back the following week before we left on our trip to Disneyland to see if they could see and hear what they needed to. I went to the next ultrasound without Kip, so confident that everything would be ok. Thankfully my good friend Linda insisted on coming with me.

I went into the appointment expecting to hear the best and left hearing the worst news possible—our baby was dead. I cannot even begin to explain the heartache and shock that rippled through my entire being as I was left alone in the sterile doctor's room to change back into my clothes. I sobbed, wishing that Kip was there to comfort me and share in my grief, but knowing I was alone and would have to call him and tell him the news. I also knew that on the other side of that closed door was Linda and Helaman and that when I walked out, I would have to tell them. I dreaded the task like I dreaded nothing in my life.

I was broken and I couldn't quit sobbing. At once, I became angry. I didn't understand why God would bless us with a miraculous pregnancy after more than four years of trying just to take it away. I couldn't understand it. I became angry at Him and angry at Kip. No one understood my pain. I immediately knew that I never wanted to go through that again and that I would not try to have any more children. Underneath the surface, my anger simmered. I knew that if I prayed, God would tell me to have more kids, and I knew that Kip wanted more as well. I felt consumed with anger at the two people in my life I love the most and who love me the most in return.

My body did not want to give up the baby. The sack kept on growing as if it were a normal, healthy pregnancy, though my baby had died weeks before. I felt morning sickness and all the other pregnancy symptoms, but knew that they were for naught. I waited two weeks for my body to miscarry naturally before I finally had to take a pill to force my body to give up the baby it wanted so badly. I took the pill first thing in the morning and experienced painful, intense cramping for hours, though there was no bleeding. When it got so bad, I decided to get in the bath to help relieve some of the pain since there was no blood. While I was in the tub, I gave birth to the placenta and sack carrying what looked like a small blood clot. My baby was no more than a cluster of cells. I called Kip in and had him help me clean it up and dispose of it. It was a bonding experience unlike any other.

I remember the minute the baby passed from my body—I was filled with an all consuming love for that child and for my Heavenly Father. As I got in the shower to clean myself up, I cried. I knew in that moment that there was another child waiting to come to our home and that I would do whatever it took to get them here. Needless to say, those feelings and that promise have been tested over and over and over since that fateful day. I have been filled with so much anger. I volley between wanting to have more kids and wanting to move on with my life and avoid the heartache that comes each month with my period when I realize I am not pregnant.

I can't tell you how many people tried to comfort me after my miscarriage by telling me that when they went through that, they were pregnant the next month with a baby that stuck. Well, the next month when I wasn't pregnant I fell into a deep depression. Months came and went and I was still not pregnant. Why would God tell me there were more children and not bless me with a pregnancy? I finally decided to seek out help from a fertility expert. Kip and I went to a number of appointments and were subjected to rounds and rounds of testing. In the end, the doctor had to define it as unexplained fertility. Because of my history, he gave us 2% probability of getting pregnant naturally each month. Not good odds. He said we had about a 50% chance of getting pregnant on our own within the next 10 years. 10 years! I couldn't wait that long. I am at the point where I either need to have a kid now or be done for good. I am so tired of living in limbo and of the emotional turmoil I face each month when I'm not pregnant.

I'm tired of the comments from people about it being time for another one. I'm tired of my kids begging for a baby. I'm just tired.

When Kip and I left the fertility doctor's office, knowing that our best bet for achieving a pregnancy was IVF, I told him there was no way I would submit myself to that. We talked about it for awhile and we both agreed that it was a hardship we didn't want to deal with. I told him I would give him until the fall to get pregnant naturally and that if I wasn't, I would go get my tummy tuck and we would be done trying for more kids. That evening we went to the Temple. As I was sitting and praying in the Celestial room, the Spirit so clearly told me that I needed to do IVF and do it NOW!

In the week that has followed, I have experienced incredible peace and unspeakable despair. The adversary is working so hard on me, trying to cripple me and destroy my faith. But as I have looked back over the past several months, I see that the Lord has been guiding me to this decision very clearly and very directly. The only other time in my life I have faced so much opposition was on my mission. In hindsight, I can see that the adversary was trying to stop me from baptizing people and changing lives, and also trying to stop me from meeting Kip. He knew what would result from my time spent in Pittsburgh, and he tried to do everything to stop it. I feel that same weight now. I am convinced that he knows the spirit that is waiting to come to our home and is trying to thwart God's plan. I am not entirely sure why God has led us on this path or why we have faced this trial, but I am convinced that He has his hand in it and that He is guiding us fully. Because of this assurance, I have hope, something I have been severely lacking since the day I found out my baby was dead.