Unkowingly Fighting Against God

2014 has been a tough year for me. It seems like me and my family have been bombarded with an endless stream of trials and never-ending stress. Don't' get me wrong, we aren't immune to stress or trials in the past, but never, in the nearly 8 years since we've been married, have we experienced them back to back in a constant wave as we have this year.


As the trials kept pouring in and the stress kept mounting, I found my spirit feeling more and more overwhelmed with thoughts of despair. I don't seem to manage stress very well. And though, on the outside, I kept functioning somewhat normally, inside I was in total despair. Why was God allowing us to go through so much? Was He trying to destroy me? (I remember having that thought so many times on my mission when I was going through my trials and later diagnosed with Bipolar 2). And then the biggest seed of doubt of all was planted in my heart...had God forgotten me and my family?


It was a slippery slope. I felt myself sliding into this depressing abyss as I struggled to make sense of why we were facing the things we were. My faith was being tested and I was found lacking. I began to harbor negative thoughts and doubts, wondering why God was fighting against me, causing my family so much grief. I remember one day I was struggling particularly bad. I cried out in prayer for God to show me that He hadn't forgotten my family and to know that He still cared. I was at a really low point.


That day when I went to the mailbox, there was a letter inside from the Office of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A few weeks earlier our family had watched the semi-annual General Conference of the church. During the talks, my six year old daughter Hallie drew pictures of and wrote letters to several of the apostles and the prophet, President Monson. I mailed them off and never imagined we'd get a reply. It came that day, the day I had pleaded with the Lord to give me a reminder that He hadn't forgotten us. We received a letter from the office of His prophet on the earth telling us how much he loved us and was proud of us for raising our family in righteousness. I know that it was no coincidence the letter arrived in the mail on that very day.


I wish I could say that immediately cured all of my doubts and anger, but it didn't. Though my sorrow was lifted somewhat, I still continued in my murmuring, for which I am ashamed. When another devastating trail hit, I opened up to my mom and couldn't help but tell her of my pain. I told her how I felt abandoned by God. Later that day she sent me a link to David Archuleta singing the hymn, “Be still my soul”. I was doubtful that listening to a hymn that I was very familiar with could help, but regardless, I watched and listened anyway.


Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.


Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

The minute I heard David sing, “Be still my soul, The Lord is on thy side,” I felt something within me begin to change. The Spirit spoke so clearly to my heart that it was true. All of this time I had been unknowingly fighting against God when we had been on the same team the entire time! He never abandoned me, forgot about me, or punished me. He was there besides me fighting my battles with me every step of the way. My eyes were opened to the numerous times that He had answered my prayers, eased my burdens, lightened my load, and provided miracles in my life.

“Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake To guide the future as he has the past.” A quick and honest look back on my life showed me that indeed, though the way had often been rough, He had always guided me with His steady hand to where I needed to be, to become who I needed to be. My heart was changed as I realized that I had been betraying the one constant source of peace, hope, and help that I had always had in my life. Always. My heart returned to the Lord that day, filled with an inner peace and assurance that He had not forgotten me and never would. I now know that we are on the same side, fighting the same battle against the unseen enemy to all of us. And I know, with God, all things are possible, all battles can be won if we but trust in Him, hold to the rod, and endure.