How He sees us

My first night in the mission field in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania was not a good one. My trainer had taken me tracting that evening and I remember it was dark and we were in a neighborhood that did not appreciate us coming and knocking on their doors while they were trying to get kids fed and put to bed. I felt awkward, unwanted, and just plain weird. The next morning my mission president, President Crump, called to see how it was going. I broke down and bawled. He told me to come to the mission office so he could talk to me. I remember going to his office and crying. I told him how weird I felt going out and knocking on doors and being looked at like I had a scarlet letter on my forehead. For some reason I had started to look at myself, a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, as the world looked at us…as an irritation, as a cult, as just plain odd and I didn’t like the way that made me feel. And the thought of spending everyday of the next 18 months feeling like that overwhelmed me. As I explained this to my mission president he listened calmly then replied, “Sister Olsen, you need to start seeing yourself as the Lord sees you, not as the world sees you.” Wow! That same advice is the exact advice I need now, today, this very second. How come it’s so easy for us to get sucked into viewing ourselves through the world’s eyes and not His? For me, as a missionary in Pittsburgh, it took less than one full day! Yikes! I wish I could tell you that once I talked to my mission president things magically changed, that I was instantly able to view myself as the Lord does, but I can’t. And still to this day, even though I have the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who died for me and personally atoned for my sins, weaknesses, shortcoming, etc. I still can’t seem to let that fully change the way I view myself. It’s so easy for me to look at other people and see their value, to look at them through His eyes. I have a feeling that most women can do that to other women, but when it comes to ourselves we are much too critical and unforgiving. I’ve talked to so many friends and family members who don’t love themselves, who feel they are always lacking and I look at them in awe, my heart saddened because when I look at them I see their beauty, their faithfulness, their desires to serve others, I see all the good they are doing and the way they’ve strengthened me. I’m flabbergasted that they could feel that way, but at the same time I’m not surprised because that’s the exact way I feel about myself. I recently had a conversation with one of these dear friends. We were talking about the pressure we feel to always look good and how we feel like we never meet our own expectations or others. In a book I read by Ashley Weis she said, “Imagine if women spent as much time obsessing over virtue as we do our physical appearance.” I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that, trying to determine where my own heart’s desires lie.  As I continued talking to my friend, we mentioned several women in our church who don’t seem to care one whit about their physical appearance and keeping up with fashion. I’m not saying these women are sloppy or unclean, because they are not, but it’s clear that their physical appearance is not their priority or their god. I made the comment that the women I admire the most in our church are not the most fashionable women, but the women who are pure, who are raising righteous families, who are living their lives in a way that makes their Heavenly Father proud. Those are the women I admire and want to emulate. I hope someday my children can look at me that way and see a woman who loves the Lord and desires to serve Him above all else, not someone who has spent her life hating herself and comparing herself to the changing standards of the worlds idea of perfection. Why are we more concerned with how the world (our friends, associates, co workers, family, mere acquaintances) see us than how our Heavenly Father sees us? Do we spend more time trying to obtain the attributes of Christ (love, faith, service, honesty, purity, etc) or the attributes of the world (physical beauty, a good body, style, fame, fortune, etc)? I think it’s time we start considering more fully who the master is we want to serve.