A new heart

“Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit.” Ezekiel 18:31

There have been a few times in my life where I have had an experience where God gives me a new heart and I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened. This happened to me last night. I read a book called “Exposed” by Ashley Weis. It was loosely based on her real life experiences. It was about two women- one who is married to a man addicted to pornography, and one who is caught in the ugly trap of the pornography industry.  Heartbreaking, chilling, life changing.  My mind has been opened to the truth of the ugliness of the sin of pornography.  My husband is not addicted to pornography and neither am I, but that doesn’t mean we’re not affected by it. In fact I don’t think anyone is immune from it’s influence—no, not one soul.  I may not be categorized with the addicted, but I am most definitely one of the affected.  There’s a line that says, “All that glitters is not gold.” That saying keeps repeating itself over in my head while I’ve been contemplating my feelings. I don’t know exactly when or why I became deceived into thinking that things of a pornographic nature were “golden”. In the eyes of the world and at the hands of a very deceitful master, it’s an industry that definitely glitters; it attracts, it allures, it beckons.  I don’t know if it was growing up in a home where the influence of pornorgraphy was felt.  I don’t know if it was being exposed to playboy magazine’s on two separate occasions at two different homes while babysitting as a young girl.  I don’t know if it was the smutty and improper television shows and movies I was exposed to while growing up.  It really could’ve been any or all of that.  All I know is somewhere along the line I became affected, or maybe I should say infected. My problem isn’t in viewing pornography, my problem came in the form of believing pornography.  Let me try to explain—somewhere along the path of my life I subconsciously began to believe that in order to be loved/desired you have to look and act like porn.  Obviously, it’s easy to see the dangerous pitfalls of believing that lie. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent hating myself and putting myself down because I didn’t look like “that”. No wonder I didn’t lead a charmed life, if I looked like “that” I would. I also fell into the dangerous trap of comparison—how could I feel value when men didn’t look at me like they did those girls? Those comparisons and negative thoughts didn’t stop when I met and fell in love with a man who loved me completely.  I still felt like maybe he would love or desire me more if I looked like “that”. Doesn’t really make sense since he was never, never the one telling me those lies.  But somehow, for some reason, I kept listening and believing the lies anyway. How come our sex life wasn’t as fun and exciting as how it’s portrayed in the media? Maybe if I looked like “that” sex would always be good, my husband would always desire me, in fact, why didn’t he desire me like that? Why couldn’t he keep his hands off me? Was it because I don’t look like “that”? Nothing he has ever said or done has ever indicated that he wanted or desired “that” but I believed it anyway. Why? Because that’s what satan wants us to believe. He obviously knows and preys on my insecurities. I notice other women; I see the magazine covers, movies, TV, etc. I compare myself. I have a secret envy because I know that guys desire her, but not me…never me…I don’t look like “that”. Does my own husband even desire me? How could he? See what I mean that I’m affected/infected? I look at that life and see the glitter, the pull.  It looks glamorous, sexy, fun…definitely not how I’d describe my everyday life. But that’s exactly how it’s been made to be viewed, exactly how it’s not. It’s not gold, but filth, filth that will destroy anything in its wake. I admit to a fascination with it and although I never indulged in it (despite the unfortunate amount that’s been made available to all through everyday media), I can’t lie and say I never had desires to indulge—out of curiosity, out of excitement. Although I didn’t have a problem with addiction, I still had a problem—deep in parts of my hidden soul I thought it was ok, even desirable, even envied people who did it. I don’t know if this is even making sense! Wasn’t it Nephi who desired that he would shake at the very thought of sin? This particular sin didn’t make me shake, at least not how I thought of it. But I wasn’t thinking about it in the reality, I was disillusioned by lies and glitter that is so expertly molded to the filth so as to disguise it almost completely. Then I read Ashley’s book and felt like my eyes were opened. That was reality. And God gave me a new heart and desire to sin no more. I spent the day praying—praying for people who are trapped in the ugly life of sin and deceit, praying for the people whose lives have been shattered by its presence, and praying for the souls of our youth—keep them pure, Father, please keep them pure. It’s such a scary trap because I think we can be enticed and lured into the death trap almost without knowing it if we’re not careful. I see the things in the media that we don’t only accept, but embrace and desire to emulate and it scares me. I see the way we dress or overly concern ourselves with how we look, like that determines our worth. We are all God’s children, doesn’t that give us automatic worth? Why can’t we accept that? Why are we always looking for other avenues to validate us? I also spent time thinking about forgiveness. Can real forgiveness truly be had? Is forgiveness like the golden carrot Heavenly Father dangles before each of us, enticing us but never allowing us to indulge? Why would God send His perfect, beloved Son to suffer and die for us if it was just an act to desire and never something for us to partake in? He wouldn’t and He doesn’t. The golden carrot is there, but it’s not dangling, it’s waiting right there in front of us where we can easily reach it if we want too. And when we desire it and partake of it, it will change us completely—we can be given a new heart, a pure heart with honest, pure desires.  It’s not just enough for us to avoid sin, but we must also not desire sin. We can’t choose to serve one master while our hearts secretly desire another master’s glitter. There’s no fine line we can walk or compromise we can make that will allow us to have both desires—“We cannot serve God and mammon” for we are told, “We will love the one and hate the other” (Matthew 6:24). I love God and I want to love and serve Him with all my heart. Through the atonement those decayed parts of my heart can be plucked out and destroyed—they must be or I will not know joy, real joy.  When I’m reunited with my Father, I want Him to know me, to see a heart so pure, striving to be like Him.  I want Him to know me, because I will have become like Him.