From the moment I got married I never
envisioned infertility being a part of our life together. That was in
large part due to the fact that I got pregnant with twins on the
honeymoon and on birth control. I just assumed I followed in the
fertile footsteps of my mother. When it took nearly four years to
become pregnant again, I didn't think anything of it. We had our
hands full with two very lively little girls and so I never felt a
sense of urgency to add another child to the madness. After having
Helaman, Kip and I knew right away that we wanted another little
child to be close to him in age. We started trying almost immediately
to get pregnant and this is when I began to realize that maybe I have
a problem.
We tried for four years before going to
my OBGYN to discuss my infertility. They started me on chlomid, which
only proved to make me a raging lunatic. One round of that was all it
took for me to realize I'd never do that again. Over time I began to
realize that perhaps it would never happen, that I might never carry
another baby in my body. I slowly began to adjust to this new reality
and started making plans for my future accordingly. I started to be
pretty confident that we would never have more children so I went
ahead and made plans to get a tummy tuck to remove the lose skin on
my abdomen resulting from massive weight loss. I prayed about this
decision, knowing if I went ahead with the surgery I would not want
to have any more children. I felt good about my choice to move
forward and booked my surgery and payed my non-refundable deposit. I
was really excited about this next step and made an appointment with
my OBGYN to get on birth control, the first time I would be on it
since my honeymoon. I filled my prescription and anxiously waited for
my period to start so I could begin taking the pills.
The month before my surgery, I made a
trip down to Utah to help my sister with her move. The entire time I
was gone I felt exhausted and lightheaded, and still my period didn't
come. When I got back to Idaho, I was so lightheaded and weak and did
not feel like myself. The next morning I took a pregnancy test simply
because I had yet to start. Much to my shock, it was positive. I
never get early positives so I was skeptical. I called my doctor and
my an appointment for a blood test to verify before I would believe
it. Sure enough, the blood test came back positive. I somehow managed
to keep it a secret for a few days so I could tell Kip on our
anniversary. He was elated. I was filled with mixed emotions as I had
to cancel my tummy tuck, something I was really anticipating. I
wondered over and over again why it happened, but figured that it was
God's way of saying there was another child that needed to come into
our home and He knew it was either now or never. We told our kids and
mother's early because I do not do pregnancy well. I get really moody
and sick and it was hard to keep it from them. Everyone was beyond
excited.
I scheduled an ultrasound to see when
my due date would be since I had no idea. Kip came with me. The
ultrasound tech was nervous saying the baby was smaller than it
should be and that she couldn't detect a heartbeat. The doctor warned
us it was possible that it would not be a viable pregnancy, but also
that there was a possibility that it was just too soon to tell. Kip
and I left the office feeling hopefully optimistic and not concerned
at all. We just knew that this baby was coming for a reason. The
doctor told us to come back the following week before we left on our
trip to Disneyland to see if they could see and hear what they needed
to. I went to the next ultrasound without Kip, so confident that
everything would be ok. Thankfully my good friend Linda insisted on
coming with me.
I went into the appointment expecting
to hear the best and left hearing the worst news possible—our baby
was dead. I cannot even begin to explain the heartache and shock that
rippled through my entire being as I was left alone in the sterile
doctor's room to change back into my clothes. I sobbed, wishing that
Kip was there to comfort me and share in my grief, but knowing I was
alone and would have to call him and tell him the news. I also knew
that on the other side of that closed door was Linda and Helaman and
that when I walked out, I would have to tell them. I dreaded the task
like I dreaded nothing in my life.
I was broken and I couldn't quit
sobbing. At once, I became angry. I didn't understand why God would
bless us with a miraculous pregnancy after more than four years of
trying just to take it away. I couldn't understand it. I became angry
at Him and angry at Kip. No one understood my pain. I immediately
knew that I never wanted to go through that again and that I would
not try to have any more children. Underneath the surface, my anger
simmered. I knew that if I prayed, God would tell me to have more
kids, and I knew that Kip wanted more as well. I felt consumed with
anger at the two people in my life I love the most and who love me
the most in return.
My body did not want to give up the
baby. The sack kept on growing as if it were a normal, healthy
pregnancy, though my baby had died weeks before. I felt morning
sickness and all the other pregnancy symptoms, but knew that they
were for naught. I waited two weeks for my body to miscarry naturally
before I finally had to take a pill to force my body to give up the
baby it wanted so badly. I took the pill first thing in the morning
and experienced painful, intense cramping for hours, though there was
no bleeding. When it got so bad, I decided to get in the bath to help
relieve some of the pain since there was no blood. While I was in the
tub, I gave birth to the placenta and sack carrying what looked like
a small blood clot. My baby was no more than a cluster of cells. I
called Kip in and had him help me clean it up and dispose of it. It
was a bonding experience unlike any other.
I remember the minute the baby passed
from my body—I was filled with an all consuming love for that child
and for my Heavenly Father. As I got in the shower to clean myself
up, I cried. I knew in that moment that there was another child
waiting to come to our home and that I would do whatever it took to
get them here. Needless to say, those feelings and that promise have
been tested over and over and over since that fateful day. I have
been filled with so much anger. I volley between wanting to have more
kids and wanting to move on with my life and avoid the heartache that
comes each month with my period when I realize I am not pregnant.
I can't tell you how many people tried
to comfort me after my miscarriage by telling me that when they went
through that, they were pregnant the next month with a baby that
stuck. Well, the next month when I wasn't pregnant I fell into a deep
depression. Months came and went and I was still not pregnant. Why
would God tell me there were more children and not bless me with a
pregnancy? I finally decided to seek out help from a fertility
expert. Kip and I went to a number of appointments and were subjected
to rounds and rounds of testing. In the end, the doctor had to define
it as unexplained fertility. Because of my history, he gave us 2%
probability of getting pregnant naturally each month. Not good odds.
He said we had about a 50% chance of getting pregnant on our own
within the next 10 years. 10 years! I couldn't wait that long. I am
at the point where I either need to have a kid now or be done for
good. I am so tired of living in limbo and of the emotional turmoil I
face each month when I'm not pregnant.
I'm tired of the comments from people
about it being time for another one. I'm tired of my kids begging for
a baby. I'm just tired.
When Kip and I left the fertility
doctor's office, knowing that our best bet for achieving a pregnancy
was IVF, I told him there was no way I would submit myself to that.
We talked about it for awhile and we both agreed that it was a
hardship we didn't want to deal with. I told him I would give him
until the fall to get pregnant naturally and that if I wasn't, I
would go get my tummy tuck and we would be done trying for more kids.
That evening we went to the Temple. As I was sitting and praying in
the Celestial room, the Spirit so clearly told me that I needed to do
IVF and do it NOW!
In the week that has followed, I have
experienced incredible peace and unspeakable despair. The adversary
is working so hard on me, trying to cripple me and destroy my faith.
But as I have looked back over the past several months, I see that
the Lord has been guiding me to this decision very clearly and very
directly. The only other time in my life I have faced so much
opposition was on my mission. In hindsight, I can see that the
adversary was trying to stop me from baptizing people and changing
lives, and also trying to stop me from meeting Kip. He knew what
would result from my time spent in Pittsburgh, and he tried to do
everything to stop it. I feel that same weight now. I am convinced
that he knows the spirit that is waiting to come to our home and is
trying to thwart God's plan. I am not entirely sure why God has led
us on this path or why we have faced this trial, but I am convinced
that He has his hand in it and that He is guiding us fully. Because
of this assurance, I have hope, something I have been severely
lacking since the day I found out my baby was dead.
