How He sees us

My first night in the mission field in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania was not a good one. My trainer had taken me tracting that evening and I remember it was dark and we were in a neighborhood that did not appreciate us coming and knocking on their doors while they were trying to get kids fed and put to bed. I felt awkward, unwanted, and just plain weird. The next morning my mission president, President Crump, called to see how it was going. I broke down and bawled. He told me to come to the mission office so he could talk to me. I remember going to his office and crying. I told him how weird I felt going out and knocking on doors and being looked at like I had a scarlet letter on my forehead. For some reason I had started to look at myself, a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, as the world looked at us…as an irritation, as a cult, as just plain odd and I didn’t like the way that made me feel. And the thought of spending everyday of the next 18 months feeling like that overwhelmed me. As I explained this to my mission president he listened calmly then replied, “Sister Olsen, you need to start seeing yourself as the Lord sees you, not as the world sees you.” Wow! That same advice is the exact advice I need now, today, this very second. How come it’s so easy for us to get sucked into viewing ourselves through the world’s eyes and not His? For me, as a missionary in Pittsburgh, it took less than one full day! Yikes! I wish I could tell you that once I talked to my mission president things magically changed, that I was instantly able to view myself as the Lord does, but I can’t. And still to this day, even though I have the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who died for me and personally atoned for my sins, weaknesses, shortcoming, etc. I still can’t seem to let that fully change the way I view myself. It’s so easy for me to look at other people and see their value, to look at them through His eyes. I have a feeling that most women can do that to other women, but when it comes to ourselves we are much too critical and unforgiving. I’ve talked to so many friends and family members who don’t love themselves, who feel they are always lacking and I look at them in awe, my heart saddened because when I look at them I see their beauty, their faithfulness, their desires to serve others, I see all the good they are doing and the way they’ve strengthened me. I’m flabbergasted that they could feel that way, but at the same time I’m not surprised because that’s the exact way I feel about myself. I recently had a conversation with one of these dear friends. We were talking about the pressure we feel to always look good and how we feel like we never meet our own expectations or others. In a book I read by Ashley Weis she said, “Imagine if women spent as much time obsessing over virtue as we do our physical appearance.” I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that, trying to determine where my own heart’s desires lie.  As I continued talking to my friend, we mentioned several women in our church who don’t seem to care one whit about their physical appearance and keeping up with fashion. I’m not saying these women are sloppy or unclean, because they are not, but it’s clear that their physical appearance is not their priority or their god. I made the comment that the women I admire the most in our church are not the most fashionable women, but the women who are pure, who are raising righteous families, who are living their lives in a way that makes their Heavenly Father proud. Those are the women I admire and want to emulate. I hope someday my children can look at me that way and see a woman who loves the Lord and desires to serve Him above all else, not someone who has spent her life hating herself and comparing herself to the changing standards of the worlds idea of perfection. Why are we more concerned with how the world (our friends, associates, co workers, family, mere acquaintances) see us than how our Heavenly Father sees us? Do we spend more time trying to obtain the attributes of Christ (love, faith, service, honesty, purity, etc) or the attributes of the world (physical beauty, a good body, style, fame, fortune, etc)? I think it’s time we start considering more fully who the master is we want to serve.

"For God so loved the world"

I’ve been overwhelmed lately with an outpouring of the spirit in my life.  Usually these occurrences in my life are a result of trials I am currently going through and lately that has been the case. I’ve felt an overwhelming attack on my self esteem lately—I’m being hyper sensitive to everyone and everything around me. I’m finding myself quick to take offense, to fall into self pity and insecurity. Of course none of these feelings are of God. The attack on our spirits is real. Sometimes we forget that satan has known us since the beginning of our existence. When we came to this earth, a veil was drawn before us allowing us to come to this world with no remembrance of who we are and what we promised to do; an ultimate trial of our faith. But no veil was drawn over satan’s eyes. He has not forgotten exactly who you are and your allegiance to Christ. He preys on your every weakness. He knows your insecurities and he wants nothing more than to make you miserable like unto himself (2 Nephi 2:27) and he’s pretty darned good at it! So as I’ve been feeling all of these unsettling feelings lately, I found myself on my knees, pleading for God to give me some sort of sign that He loves me, that I have worth. The minute those words escaped my heart, my head was filled with the voice of the spirit saying, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son.” (John 3:16). I was truly humbled as God reminded me that His Son is evidence of His great love for me and for the entire world. He doesn’t need to give me signs and miracles to validate that I have worth to Him; He has already given me His Son, my personal Savior. So now my personal question is this—when can that be enough? When will I stop looking to other sources to validate my worth when the greatest gift of love has already been given on my personal behalf? And really, that’s the only source that can actually validate my worth—the source from whence my worth springs. As a beloved daughter of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, my worth is immeasurable, divine. When will we let ourselves believe that? It’s true.

Our Value

I was at a court of honor for scouts when the Scoutmaster gave his “Scoutmaster Minute”.  I was distracted by the chaos in the gym and also by my three busy children, but as he began to talk, I instantly took note. He held up a brand new, crisp one dollar bill and asked the audience who would like the dollar. Of course nearly every young boys hand went up. After all, who doesn’t want money? He then went on to crumple the dollar bill in his hand, ruining its perfectness. He then put it on the floor and stepped on it, grinding it into the filthy gym floor. He then bent over, picked the wadded bill up and again asked the audience who would like the dollar bill? Again, every hand shot up. He then went on to explain that it didn’t matter what the dollar’s appearance was, it still had the exact same value whether it was crisp and new or crumpled and dirty. That’s exactly how we are. Our value in God’s eyes and as His children will never change, it cannot. We can and will become dirty, crumpled and stained through our sins but that does not make our value any less in God’s eyes and neither should it in our own. We can rejoice in the knowledge that God sent His Son to make repentance possible, to make it so that our once dirty and sinful self can become clean and white and pure as snow through His blood. My hope and prayer for all of God’s children is that we can see ourselves through His eyes—that we can stop letting the world dictate our worth, but realize that as His children, we are all of great value. Can we stop listening to the world and start hearing Him?

A new heart

“Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit.” Ezekiel 18:31

There have been a few times in my life where I have had an experience where God gives me a new heart and I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened. This happened to me last night. I read a book called “Exposed” by Ashley Weis. It was loosely based on her real life experiences. It was about two women- one who is married to a man addicted to pornography, and one who is caught in the ugly trap of the pornography industry.  Heartbreaking, chilling, life changing.  My mind has been opened to the truth of the ugliness of the sin of pornography.  My husband is not addicted to pornography and neither am I, but that doesn’t mean we’re not affected by it. In fact I don’t think anyone is immune from it’s influence—no, not one soul.  I may not be categorized with the addicted, but I am most definitely one of the affected.  There’s a line that says, “All that glitters is not gold.” That saying keeps repeating itself over in my head while I’ve been contemplating my feelings. I don’t know exactly when or why I became deceived into thinking that things of a pornographic nature were “golden”. In the eyes of the world and at the hands of a very deceitful master, it’s an industry that definitely glitters; it attracts, it allures, it beckons.  I don’t know if it was growing up in a home where the influence of pornorgraphy was felt.  I don’t know if it was being exposed to playboy magazine’s on two separate occasions at two different homes while babysitting as a young girl.  I don’t know if it was the smutty and improper television shows and movies I was exposed to while growing up.  It really could’ve been any or all of that.  All I know is somewhere along the line I became affected, or maybe I should say infected. My problem isn’t in viewing pornography, my problem came in the form of believing pornography.  Let me try to explain—somewhere along the path of my life I subconsciously began to believe that in order to be loved/desired you have to look and act like porn.  Obviously, it’s easy to see the dangerous pitfalls of believing that lie. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent hating myself and putting myself down because I didn’t look like “that”. No wonder I didn’t lead a charmed life, if I looked like “that” I would. I also fell into the dangerous trap of comparison—how could I feel value when men didn’t look at me like they did those girls? Those comparisons and negative thoughts didn’t stop when I met and fell in love with a man who loved me completely.  I still felt like maybe he would love or desire me more if I looked like “that”. Doesn’t really make sense since he was never, never the one telling me those lies.  But somehow, for some reason, I kept listening and believing the lies anyway. How come our sex life wasn’t as fun and exciting as how it’s portrayed in the media? Maybe if I looked like “that” sex would always be good, my husband would always desire me, in fact, why didn’t he desire me like that? Why couldn’t he keep his hands off me? Was it because I don’t look like “that”? Nothing he has ever said or done has ever indicated that he wanted or desired “that” but I believed it anyway. Why? Because that’s what satan wants us to believe. He obviously knows and preys on my insecurities. I notice other women; I see the magazine covers, movies, TV, etc. I compare myself. I have a secret envy because I know that guys desire her, but not me…never me…I don’t look like “that”. Does my own husband even desire me? How could he? See what I mean that I’m affected/infected? I look at that life and see the glitter, the pull.  It looks glamorous, sexy, fun…definitely not how I’d describe my everyday life. But that’s exactly how it’s been made to be viewed, exactly how it’s not. It’s not gold, but filth, filth that will destroy anything in its wake. I admit to a fascination with it and although I never indulged in it (despite the unfortunate amount that’s been made available to all through everyday media), I can’t lie and say I never had desires to indulge—out of curiosity, out of excitement. Although I didn’t have a problem with addiction, I still had a problem—deep in parts of my hidden soul I thought it was ok, even desirable, even envied people who did it. I don’t know if this is even making sense! Wasn’t it Nephi who desired that he would shake at the very thought of sin? This particular sin didn’t make me shake, at least not how I thought of it. But I wasn’t thinking about it in the reality, I was disillusioned by lies and glitter that is so expertly molded to the filth so as to disguise it almost completely. Then I read Ashley’s book and felt like my eyes were opened. That was reality. And God gave me a new heart and desire to sin no more. I spent the day praying—praying for people who are trapped in the ugly life of sin and deceit, praying for the people whose lives have been shattered by its presence, and praying for the souls of our youth—keep them pure, Father, please keep them pure. It’s such a scary trap because I think we can be enticed and lured into the death trap almost without knowing it if we’re not careful. I see the things in the media that we don’t only accept, but embrace and desire to emulate and it scares me. I see the way we dress or overly concern ourselves with how we look, like that determines our worth. We are all God’s children, doesn’t that give us automatic worth? Why can’t we accept that? Why are we always looking for other avenues to validate us? I also spent time thinking about forgiveness. Can real forgiveness truly be had? Is forgiveness like the golden carrot Heavenly Father dangles before each of us, enticing us but never allowing us to indulge? Why would God send His perfect, beloved Son to suffer and die for us if it was just an act to desire and never something for us to partake in? He wouldn’t and He doesn’t. The golden carrot is there, but it’s not dangling, it’s waiting right there in front of us where we can easily reach it if we want too. And when we desire it and partake of it, it will change us completely—we can be given a new heart, a pure heart with honest, pure desires.  It’s not just enough for us to avoid sin, but we must also not desire sin. We can’t choose to serve one master while our hearts secretly desire another master’s glitter. There’s no fine line we can walk or compromise we can make that will allow us to have both desires—“We cannot serve God and mammon” for we are told, “We will love the one and hate the other” (Matthew 6:24). I love God and I want to love and serve Him with all my heart. Through the atonement those decayed parts of my heart can be plucked out and destroyed—they must be or I will not know joy, real joy.  When I’m reunited with my Father, I want Him to know me, to see a heart so pure, striving to be like Him.  I want Him to know me, because I will have become like Him.